I am a yo-yoer.
Not so much a yo-yo dieter, though I've had a few back-and-forths in my day. Starting grad school was one of them. The big one, actually. It has been a long hard struggle to find a place for fitness and health in my busy life, and I wish every day that I had found a fit lifestyle before this phase of my life.
No, I yo-yo when it comes to my understanding of my weight. Some days I believe with all my heart that I can be a fit, slim, traditionally attractive person if I just find the right diet, if I just stick with the personal training, if I just finally overcome whatever inner demons make me sneak slices of my housemates' pie in the middle of the night.
Other days I believe just as strongly that weight is genetic, that there is nothing I can do to alter my natural weight, and that my surest path to happiness is not trying to become skinny but accepting my body the way it is and focusing on becoming a confident person whose beauty shines from the inside out.
On my best days I acknowledge that health and self-confidence are not mutually exclusive, that I can focus on eating well and being active without a fantasy of turning into Jillian Michaels hovering in the back of my head, and that the reason why I should be healthy is because it is a form of self-care, not because I give a flying fuck how much the world hates fat people.
Self-care is something I truly struggle with. I believe that I am deserving of love. I believe that the first place that love needs to come from is from myself. But sometimes I just can't find that love. And I don't mean that I wake up hating myself. I mean that my choices are not always informed by the part of me that is filled with love and acceptance. Sometimes the mantra "this does not nourish me" doesn't work, because sometimes I don't want to be nourished. Sometimes I want to be indulged, accepted, or even punished.
Why is self-care so darned difficult? I just came from a dentist appointment where I found out that I have five--that's right, five--new cavities. That's because I haven't been flossing, and haven't been to the dentist in years. Dental hygiene is a major component of health, and taking care of my health is a major form of self-care. So why do I keep failing at it?
Part of it is surely a failure to prioritize, putting work before my own needs time and again. But I also wonder whether part of it comes from a larger failure to see myself as a person deserving of nurture, deserving of care. I have no problem telling the people I love that they should be gentle with themselves, but I am my own worst critic.
Why oh why am I my own worst enemy?
